JOCELYN
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Jocelyn Yeoh Shu YiKranji Secondary School
30June1993
Netballer
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Wednesday, December 9, 2009, 9:21 AM
Mirror of thoughts.
I'm gonna pen down some of my thoughts tht've been troubling me for quite some time.It's 1.22am now and yes I'm really super tired.But I've decided t post while waiting for my hair to dry.Note:Everything below is just my personal thoughts.
I've always been very confused over the definition of passion and also the measure of how passionate you are towards something.I used to think tht I'm very passionate about netball in my early years of netballing but as years pass by I realise things just aren't the same anymore.That is why,when people always go "you're really passionate about netball" etc etc I always keep quiet.
During the primary school days when we're exposed to less competitions and stuff,I knew I was very happy.No doubt there is pressure but it was insignificant.All I knew was tht I enjoy being on court,putting in shots,trainings etc.
Secondary one and secondary two things have been fine.But I realise as we grow up everything starts to get competitive and certain expections would come rising up. Of course I do agree tht all these are inevitable,every school is definitely hoping for the best results and the best for students. But I feel that the way I look at netball becomes different.
In sec 1/sec 2 on the bus to carnivals/matches I'd tell myself,just go there,do your best and enjoy the game. But since sec 3 onwards,things changed. Yes I still tell myself I have to do my best,but I know there is this winning desire in me.I want to win so much.There's just a part of me tht's struggling to prove to others tht kranji netball is capable of sth. But I know tht wasn't why I played netball in the first place.
Thts the part I'm really ___ about. Because in the first place I didn't really want to prove anything. I just wanted to enjoy my own game. Yes I do agree, with competitions come desires. Srsly,nobody would say they want to lose right? Everybody will definitely fight to be champions and not losers.Then I got really competitive.On the court I'd tell myself "Improve,I have to improve".When I practise my shots I'd get really frustrated if I ever miss one or two consecutively.
Of course I wouldn't say there're no pros.I became more focus and determined.I know what I wanted.West zone top 4 has always been my ultimate goal.Every training,every match,west zone top 4 was what I think of.I swear everytime.I can even dream about it and yes tht's how badly I wanted it.
Yes I wanted west zone top 4.But wht's the reason behind it? Was it because of my desire to win and prove to others,is it because I love the game,or is it simply because it's my goal?I dont know which is the one pushing me forward to reach for this goal. It's really scary.When you know you're working so dam hard for something and after all the hardwork you're confused over what you're working hard for.
I think it's really saddening and disheartening to see the passion in someone die down just because of external factors like recognition/high expectations from people.When one's mind is too occupied w all these stuff I bet he/she wouldn't enjoy wht she's doing at all.I think it's dam sad for someone whose passion is burning in the beginning to die down eventully because of all these.And I know it's hard and never easy to get it back.I just hate the fact how all these can destory one's passion,maybe not entirely but bit by bit. No matter how passionate tht person is,sooner or later she/he will feel exhausted by whatever reality has brought upon them.
It's the process that matters and not the results.I agree that this is very true to certain circumstances but face it,in reality we know that this phrase does not apply all the time,because results do matter for certain situations,situations where we cannot control or decide. That is when reality becomes harsh,when reality destroys people,when reality rob people of their passion.
It's just like the MGS match.I wouldn't cry so dam hard if the result had not mattered. Process?Yes I definitely enjoy the times I share w my teammates,the trainings and everything.But that was the last chance to bring back something.May be the glory,may be the recognition.I don't know what is it.All I know is that I'm really torn apart by the fact that we've lost.But what was I sad over?Was it because I feel that there could be more from me?Or was it because I felt that our efforts in these 4 years-whether significant or insignificant had been determined by this season? What was it!! I really really cannot figure out.
Actually at times,I feel that I have a very ugly character.Maybe it seems normal to others,but to me I feel so ____ . I don't like myself becoming so ambitious,so competitive.I don't wanna aim to win in everything. I really hope tht winning to me may be perhaps just a bonus and not my main goal. Because I had been feeling sick and tired over all the overwhelming hunger to be winners.But again,I know it's kinda impossible.
Whatever happens,I hope I will never forget why I play netball in the first place.Because if I do,every netball game I play will seem so meaningless.And yes I'm glad to say that I've not forgotten.Because now on court,I still enjoy the game.And I believe our love for the game,will help us improve and be better players,in terms of skills and character. Tht's how far our passion can drive us to and how it'll push us to exceed our limits.Srsly,they do wonders.
No matter what happens,we have to remember what we believe in.
Well I've said my piece.Actually I don't know what is the purpose of this post.I just said out everything I wanted to say. I'm in fact,confused over what I'm confused about. Someone srsly pls enlighten me or sth.
xjxj.