JOCELYN
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Jocelyn Yeoh Shu YiKranji Secondary School
30June1993
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Saturday, May 19, 2007, 1:41 AM
Okay,this is gonna be so random .--
I don't know how I'm feeling now.
It's a kind of feeling you can't describe.
The feeling's been haunting and living in me the past few days.
The feeling's caused me to change to someone I myself can't recognise.
So what's happening.
I've never used the word fuck in my blog and life .
But recently , I just can't stop using it .
Everytime I say out that word , I'll feel guilty.
But I can't stop myself from saying that.
I don't love my class that much anymore.
I took a look at everyone in 2A .
All of them have changed.
I don't know how to express my feelings but I can't take it anymore.
It's really darn irritating when you need to control a class which is uncontrollable.
2A rocks ?
I often hear 2A-ians say that .
But seriously , I think they're just saying it for the sake of saying it.
They're just lying to themselves.
In the past , I just keep telling myself everyone will change for the better.
But I'm so wrong.
Those people who claimed that they will change for the better , turns out to be those who're not changing at all.
Maybe it's my fault,I can't even control the class.
I can't even gain respect from the class .
I dread going to 2A classroom everyday.
I dread asking them to keep quiet when obviously no one's listening.
I dread Nadia asking me to control the class because I can't.
I dread chasing people for forms and making them feel irritated.
I dread leading the class.
I'm tired of leading the class.
So much for the so called leading.
I really want to do something for the class , but not a leader.
It's kind of obvious I'm not cut out to be a leader.
People don't listen to me.
They don't keep quiet when I ask them to .
I'm just having the position of a leader in 2A but I'm not gaining it.
Do you know what's the feeling when you ask someone to keep quiet , but they don't listen to you ?
Do you know how it feels when you can't control the class and let the prefects do it?
Okay , it's horrible okay.
I feel so incapable.
It seems like you're invisible or what.
There's many times I got so tired of the class.
But what can I do ?
It really hurts me when I see the class like that ,
Yet I can't do anything bout it .
I guess no one knows how much I love my class , perhaps only Donkey.
I don't know why , she's from another class , yet she understands and listens to me.
Maybe I love my class too much that I'm starting to dread it .
I really hate to control the class.
Do you think I like to shout and scream at them ?
No. I tried to ask them to quiet down using my nicest tone.
I hate the way when people wants me to control the class yet I can't .
I hate possessing this position when I'm not even fit to be one.
I feel so bad inside.
I seriously can't be the leader , when I don't even know which way I should go.
I'm so lost in this class.
No one can understand my feelings , so many things have happened that made me feel..I don't know too.
All I know is that it's darn horrible.
I want back the class that I've shared so much fun and laughter.
I want back the class that I've grown up together with.
I want back the class that is respectful to teachers and win praises from teachers.
But , I've realised everything's gone now.
This class only happens once ,
I guess the kids haven't realised it.
After the MrKoh's long talk , I guess no one actually changed from then .
They kept saying they will strive to be the best class again ,
But it's all talk and no actions.
So much for just the sayings.
A so called leader.
I can't handle the class,
Let the prefects do it then.